Healing Her Hurt Caused By His Porn
SECOND CLASS? You’re not - even though he said that you are. You’re still first class and top notch! You were a good wife and you still are. The culture of porn teaches men that their wives are just not enough. Get mad at the porn much more than getting mad at your man. You feel inadequate or inferior now but you’re not. You feel dumb because you didn’t see it or know it. You feel numb because your world was shattered. Your marriage bed now feels defiled but you are not! Don't compare yourself to those surgically enhanced and photo-shopped women he sees! You can stop torturing your mind, disliking your body and blaming yourself for his lack of interest in you. You were cheated on, betrayed, lied to, sneaked around on and hidden from his secret sexual activities. He refuses your loving sexual advances towards him but then goes and looks at porn, behind your back. You were told that you’re not what you used to be? Guess what – neither is he. Porn has changed him into a very different husband than before. He’s changed, not you. Stop believing his excuses and start believing in yourself by looking at what God says about you and not by what he says about you! Let’s ask God to heal your broken and bruised heart and ask Him to help you to handle this rejection and resentment you feel as a result of his porn habit. He is the God of all kinds of grace and this is a new kind of grace, forgiveness, and healing you’ll need… SECOND GUESS? Stop questioning yourself and start questioning him. You do have a unique right to be browsing in his internet usage, instant messages or credit charges. You are not “over-reacting” to this habit that he has. Please don’t think you can just get over it and get on with life as if nothing happened. This is life-altering and game-changing. Don’t be a doormat and be intimidated by the porn which teaches him to do this to women in general. You ARE doing the right thing in exposing his fruitless deeds done in darkness because there shouldn’t even be a hint of sexual immorality or impurity. You ARE correct in making a big deal over this because Jesus said that people should pluck out their eyes if they’re tempted to lust. Your man says it’s okay because he’s not sleeping around with them. He says you’re not giving him enough sex. That blame game is as old as the Garden of Eve when Adam blamed God (and Eve) for his own wrongdoing. No nagging or withholding on your part forced him to watch porn. Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. That’s exactly what porn has done to him here and he’s the one who has been snatched away and doesn’t realize it. SECOND CHANCE? Will you ever be able to trust him again in the future? Will you have to live in this pain forever? Will you now have to be his monitor or mother for the rest of your marriage? You signed up to be his wife and not his mother! You definitely don’t want to be his mother and right now, you probably don’t want to be his wife. Now you know that you’re not his only fantasy woman and it hurts. How should you react to his other sexual pictures, pixels, positions, and partners in his mind? Will you be able to give yourself to him again, knowing he might be thinking of their naked bodies and not yours? He might have struggled before but now it seems he has given up the fight and surrendered to it. You feel so alone because he doesn’t want you to tell anyone else so you’re left alone to handle this. Will it get worse before it gets better? Will he be accountable in the future to me or to anyone else? He hid it from you for such a long time so how do you know he won’t outsmart you in the future as well? He will have to earn your trust once again which will take years. Are you willing to take that chance? You’ll need to see major heart transformation rather than minor behavior modification. He needs a broken spirit and not a broken computer! Hopefully, he’ll feel like another man in the Bible named King David who was truly humbled by what he had done in his lust for another woman which also led him to actions he never thought possible. Hopefully, there will be yet another chance again where your husband will be completely satisfied with and captivated by ONLY your breasts as God intended. That’s God’s plan… FIRST PRIORITY? Communication and confrontation are the two top targets you should aim for now. The main question is this: is he falling into this sin or is he walking in this sin? There is a big difference between the two that will determine your strategy. Be gentle but firm. Which scenario applies to him? The Lord disciplines those whom He loves for our own good and so should we. Jesus gave us instructions to go directly to the one who sins against us and if that doesn’t work, then we are allowed to bring others in to remedy the situation. He needs to see how serious this is and how serious you are in reconciliation and restoration. He is the one who has been concealing these sins and now you’re just trying to help him confess and renounce this habit so that both he and you and your marriage will prosper. You’re not trying to inflict revenge; you’re trying to restore him gently. Yes, be angry at this sin committed against God and against you but don’t allow bitterness and unwholesome talk to come out of your mouth - try to forgive as you’ve been forgiven. Your gentle spirit can best be used by God to win him over and back and you’ll both become one flesh again freely and frequently with neither of you depriving each other of marital sexual pleasure. That is the ideal situation but… LAST RESORT? You are not helpless. You do have options. He is breaking his marriage vows and he is committing adultery in his heart. You are not hopeless and stuck in this. You don’t have to put up with his selfishness and unfaithfulness. Please don’t think that his porn addiction is easy to break. It’s not. It is ultimately a selfish problem which needs a spiritual solution. He feels entitled to do as he pleases. In porn, it’s all about his gratification, ejaculation and stimulation rather than using his body to bring pleasure to his wife. The culture of porn teaches men to be only into themselves and not into anyone who might not like the porn. Again, try your hardest to direct your anger at the porn and not your man. He’s probably in a whole lot deeper than he admits to himself or to you. He might think he can easily or quickly fix himself but habits don’t die easy. Habits like this didn’t happen overnight and aren’t going to change overnight. He might never change. You and God can help him change. You’re going to both need supernatural and divine power to navigate this temporary problem that can have a permanent solution.
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