Healing the Hurt of Sexual Reluctance and Rejection
Rare and refreshing are the couples where both of them have equally high levels of sex drive together! Often, the husband has a much higher sex drive than the wife but that is not always the case today. Sometimes, the wife is the one who wants sex more than her husband. In most marriages, one partner is just not as sexually interested or expressive as the other partner and this causes a lot of sexual hurt. Low or no sexual libido is not a topic that couples usually can calmly discuss together but it’s got to be done. It eventually affects everything where daily household conversations come to a cold stubborn stalemate. Sex without marriage is not good. Marriage without sex is not good, either. A sexless marriage in which one purposefully withholds sex from the other (not because of medical reasons) becomes total torture. Bitterness in the bedroom eventually leads to other areas of the house and your kids and your marriage. Sexual refusal leads to depression, confusion, disappointment, bitterness and extra-marital temptations. You feel so unloved, unwanted, unattractive, undesirable, unworthy, and unsatisfied in life. You vowed before God to be sexually true to one person in life who now doesn’t want to be with you. Sexual rejection is NOT a small issue. The rejection you feel is usually not shared with anyone else, ever.
There are millions of hurting men and women who are an inch away from believing that death or divorce are the only two solutions - since nothing seems to move their spouse in terms of being sexually affectionate towards them. Their depression is deep. Few people realize that the source of so much sadness in marriage is this silent killer. God even describes the agony of a married spouse who feels unloved with very strong language. Healing this sexual hurt is SO crucial...
ROOMMATE AND REFUND? This is not what you signed up for. This is not the same person you married. You didn’t get married to find a roommate so now you want a refund! What happened to hugs and hand-holding, the kisses and the cuddling, the raging hormones and the red hot ravaging of the past? You co-exist but you don’t consummate. What happened? Routine without romance is the new norm. You might still be attracted to your spouse but you’re tired of being the only one who ever initiates and you’re also tired of being rejected when you do. If you don’t initiate, nothing happens. If you do initiate, nothing happens. Crazy cycle restarts. You’ve tried to adapt but sometimes, it’s just not working well. His or her coldness has caused your coldness and you’ve shut down emotionally and sexually in order to preserve your dignity and sanity. But it just doesn’t work that smoothly, huh? Let’s dig a little deeper…
A RIGHT OR A REWARD? One of you might be thinking that sex is a right not to be withheld within a marriage while the other is thinking that sex is a reward that’s given for good behavior from the spouse. One of you feels it is your role and responsibility to meet the sexual needs of your spouse while the other one of you does not. They won’t seek counseling and they don’t want to talk anymore about it. There is a fundamental problem here. Martial rights turn into marital fights ending in the verdict of “no soup for you”. You were raised to believe differently because of the good/bad role models of your parents. There are lots of reasons why. That could be part of the problem but neither of you would know that since you’ve never discussed this. Might each of you have equally valid perspectives so that you can come to a middle ground as to sexual frequency and frankness? God has that perfect balance that both of you would appreciate and He talks about sexual refusal in His book. He knows what it can cause. He created us male and female. Does He think of sexual satisfaction as a necessity or a luxury? God grants wisdom for spouses who need to compromise by knowing the truth. Want to learn more?
RESENTMENT AND REVENGE? They may tell you they have no energy and that’s the reason for no sex. Sometimes, it’s the exact opposite reason because it does take a lot of energy to stay mad at someone. Sexual refusal can often be unresolved anger that’s turned into bitterness and resentment against you. Maybe it’s a personality trait that one of you can’t stand in each other. You show it by sexual refusal. Maybe something was done a very long (or short) time ago which is being now used against you nightly. It is easy for couples to stay mad at each other without a proper biblical way of handling disagreement. After years of being rejected, you just gave up and are no longer interested or attracted to your spouse. Maybe that’s what you’re doing to your spouse. Maybe that is what they are doing to you. It’s not pretty. Punishment for the past gets re-enacted in continual refusal. Hysterical becomes historical, resentment becomes rejection. God has great advice to help us forgive each other just as we have been forgiven…
REPLACEMENTS AND REPERCUSSIONS. Something (or someone) has now become more important than meeting your spouse’s basic human need to feel loved. TV, computer chat, video games, kids, work, etc. Porn or adultery might be the reasons for sexually refusing your partner but then again, these might also have become the result of being refused by your partner. It can go both ways – as a reason or a result. You might have gotten some really bad advice that it is actually your fault in not loving your spouse enough and that’s the reason for their sexual refusal. Somehow, you get dumped on once again. A lot of well-meaning but ill-informed counselors just don’t delve deeper into either of these two as a reason or a result and no one ever gets to the core or to the consequences. Let’s get to the bottom of things!
RENEWAL AND REVIVAL– Might someone need to be reminded about renewing the vows they have taken “to have and to hold, from this day forward”? That was a promise to be sexually affectionate. Each of you should keep your end of the bargain in being faithful to keep the vows you originally took. Marriage is meant to include touching, holding, embracing, enjoying, kissing, foreplay, and intercourse. Sometimes, the best way to move forward is to go backwards and remember your wedding day vows. God dislikes divorce and purposefully included frequent love-making as a way of keeping your love alive. He doesn’t want the sun to go down on our anger and He wants us to speak the truth in love. We’re not designed to blow up or clam up but to speak up. And when we do, it’s got to be key words that build up! He’s the One who included hot and holy sex in the manual for marriage. Let’s explore what that means…
"While one of you sleeps, the other one doesn’t."
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